Rainfall
by quickand2thepointless
Summary: On a lonely walk during a rainy night, Subaru encounters the man behind the poison troubling his ailing heart. SeiSub one-shot. T for sexuality.


**A/N: **This is my first SeiSub fic, and I hope you all enjoy it. For those who've never read any of my fic, I love me some angst and long paragraphs. Expect plenty!

**Rating: **T, for my traditional angst and light sexuality

**Spoilers/Timeline: **Spoilers for Fuuma granting Subaru's first wish, heavy hints at the nature of Subaru's true wish. Nothing too earth shattering (har har)

**Disclaimer: **Words are mine, characters and scenarios are property of the amazing CLAMP

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**Rainfall**

**_"Continuing to think of just one person... can only be done by an ailing heart."_  
**

It had stormed all day, and the rain had drenched every inch of Subaru's clothes, leaving them hanging heavily off of his too thin body in some places and clinging uncomfortably to patches of his skin in others. It was the kind of evening where anyone with sense did their best to stay indoors, and only the scattered businessmen coming home late from work ran through the slick streets, covering their heads with briefcases or umbrellas that turned inside out in the wind. A distant, long buried part of Subaru knew better than to submit himself to the elements and hazard a walk through the city streets on such an ugly day, but the good sense he had found so reliable when he was young had taken leave of him, leaving a numbness so great that even the chill of the rain could not shatter it.

He had told his grandmother he was going out to a cafe when he left. She'd been calling to check in more often than she usually did now that the Sakurazukamori was identified as an active Dragon of Earth, and though she always did her best to broach the subject with a level head, he was bothered by even a single word spoken against him by her. It wasn't possible for her to understand the twisted shape of Subaru's heart, and in many ways he didn't want her to. He was obsessed and unhealthy, and a good woman like her didn't need to delve into the dark corners of his psyche and root out the poison of a love he himself would not purge from his body.

Instead of going to a cafe, Subaru had ended up walking. Eating and drinking had lost its flavor, and he only engaged in it based on necessity or at the occasional behest of Kamui; he couldn't even remember the last time he had gone out to eat or shared a proper meal with someone. When he craved something, it was cigarettes more often than not. That, and for something else he could not put into words. A fulfillment of a love that could not be fulfilled, and the granting of a wish that would not come true.

He walked down streets and alleyways, not bothering to dodge the waves of water stirred up by the wheels of cars or find shelter from the pelting rain. He couldn't feel any of it, not the act of walking itself or the many signs and windows and buildings he silently passed by. There were very few things he saw anymore other than the face more familiar to him than his own, the firm jaw, the cold smile, and most of all the eyes. One sharp and smirking, the other blind and blank, a window no one could hope to see through.

_Because of me, _Subaru reminded himself._ Because I was a part of his life._

He barely remembered the days from before anymore. He could recall Seishirou all too well, the way he had walked and laughed and teased, the way he had looked in his veterinarian coat, the way he had always tried to get closer and push past Subaru's shy innocence. It was himself he could not draw back from the past, the smiling boy who had crossed these streets happily, his whole world in front of him shining with hope and potential. He had lived back then, vibrant and essential, but it felt less like a life than this. He had no selfish wishes, no real idea of love, nothing but himself and the task in front of him and then the following task when the first was completed. He would have lived in that way forever if nothing had happened, and would have never truly known what he wanted from the world he lived in. His foolish, ailing heart had a stronger presence than a heart without Seishirou in it, and beat to a much sweeter tune.

As the night grew darker, Subaru walked on at a steady pace, unaware of the passage of time and the lateness of the hour. The wind lessened, but the rain did not, and the number of cars making their way down the street dwindled. The quarter moon was shielded by a cluster of clouds, and the streetlights provided only meager light to the wanderers of the night, but he did not rely on his sight to find his way to nowhere, only the thoughtless, mechanic movements of his body. If there was somewhere he needed to go, he would find his way along the broken streets of the dying city and meet his fate wherever it would come.

A car pulled over at the side of the curb and rolled down the window half-way. "Oi, you need a ride?" said the man who stuck his head out of the car. "It's not safe to be out alone. There's been a lot of earthquakes in this area, didn't you know?"

Subaru stared at him blankly before he registered that a question had been asked. "I'm sorry," he said, bowing his head. "I was just on my way back to my apartment. Thank you for offering."

"Are you sure? You're drenched."

"Thank you, but I shouldn't be getting in your car like this. And my building is just down the street." He pointed abstractly off into the distance. "Please don't trouble yourself."

The stranger shrugged and pulled back out into the street. Subaru watched him drive away for a minute, and then ducked under the overhang of a bakery to pull out a cigarette and light it. He didn't like the taste of it, but it was reminiscent of Seishirou, of the way it might have tasted if they kissed or came close enough together to be brushed by each other's breath over the past few years. He closed his eyes, inhaling the smoke deeply into his lungs. His grandmother worried about the health risks, but Subaru had faith that he wouldn't go before his time, not until his wish was finally brought to completion.

"I thought I told you not to do that, Subaru-kun," a voice came from beside him, placid and barely louder than pouring rain. Fingers reached out to take the cigarette from him, and Subaru opened his eyes just soon enough to see Seishirou slide it between his lips with a contented smile. "It isn't good for you. And neither is walking in the rain. You'll catch a cold, and the others on your side will have to take care of you." He pursed his lips, releasing a puff of smoke. "I might get jealous."

"You're out in the rain, too."

"Am I?" He flicked a sakura blossom from his fingers and watched as it sailed down to Subaru's feet. "Still so trusting. How cute, Subaru-kun." He passed the cigarette back the other man with a smile. "What are you doing here so late? Am I interrupting you at work?"

"I was just walking."

"It's a dangerous time for you to be out. Who knows what you might come across?" He lifts a hand and traces the lines of Subaru's makeshift eye patch. "It seems as if you've lost something since I saw you last."

"So it seems."

Seishirou's hand drops a little lower, to Subaru's cheek. "I don't like it. Your life is _mine_. You shouldn't have let him touch you."

"I wanted this," Subaru said softly. "He was the one who would give it to me."

"But only I can give you your true wish. Don't go near him again. Let him play with his own prey, and keep yourself untouched for me." He leaned in to Subaru's neck and gave it a gentle nip, drawing up a vivid red bloom. "He can make you see my face in his, but don't you dare make the face that belongs to me in front of him. You were made for my eyes to see, Subaru-kun."

Subaru dropped the cigarette to the ground and stamped it out with his foot. "Everything I have belongs to you," he said, staring at the dying light from the ashes. "I don't have anything left."

"It was not my hand that took your sight from you." He lifted up Subaru's hand, exposing the pentacles of the Sakurazukamori engraved in his skin. "This is the only mark that needs to be on your body. _Mine_."

The two men stared at each other for a long time. Water streamed from Subaru's hair down his face, but he could not feel the tears it cried for him, only the hand against his hand, the hand against the skin below his eye.

After awhile, Seishirou leaned forward and pressed his lips against the bite mark on Subaru's neck. "So vulnerable, Subaru-kun. You'll never be able to kill me if you give up yourself so easily."

"And you won't be able to kill me if you never take me up when I offer."

"True enough. But that's not what you wish, is it? Your sister would be so disappointed in you if you went out the same way she did."

"It doesn't matter anymore. There's only one thing that does." He pressed his hand over his heart and closed his eyes again. "One thing only."

Subaru felt the rough surface of a tongue licking his neck with a low chuckle, but by time he had opened his eyes again, he was alone under the overhang but for a few pink petals strewn around his feet. The rain had stopped, and the moon had moved back out from behind its veil of clouds, shining benevolently down at him.

"You never give me what I ask," Subaru whispered, kneeling down to crush one of the petals in his fist. "How long will I keep on waiting for you?"

Slowly, he rose to his feet and began walking again. His wet shoes and socks sloshed together, and the puddles splashed up against the legs of his jeans, but he heard and felt nothing other than emptiness, a void in the space around him that he need Seishirou to fill. But he had left, as he always did, and Subaru was still alive to face the aftermath of his absence.

The apartment was silent and empty when he returned. The answering machine blinked with messages from his grandmother and one from Kamui, but everything remained the same as he left it. _Things that don't change, _he thought to himself, kicking off his shoes and shedding his layers of clothes one by one, _things that get stuck and never grow have no reason for existence. Why am I still here? Why am I still not good enough?_

He stepped into the shower, warm water replacing the cold droplets still sliding down his skin. His fists rested against the walls surrounding him, seeking stability, but his legs gave way from either distress or exhaustion, and he slipped to the ground, crouching under the stream of water on his hands and knees.

_So close, _he thought desperately, his shoulders shaking. _So close to perfect numbness, but still not good enough. I feel... I feel..._

His heart clenched in his chest in pain. It was twisted and sick, beyond redemption, but it was still alive, just as surely as he was. Even the hand he pressed against it could not pierce through and give him what he wanted, stopping the flow of blood and taking the last of his bitter ties away. He could not mar the body that did not belong to him, but only wait for the hands he loved to give him rest, to put a close to the new life they had once given.

"Seishirou," he whispered as the water fell around him, and he felt nothing other than the coursing poison of his love, heard nothing but the persistent beat of his undying heart.


End file.
